I've been having a hard time with the blogging. For awhile it had mostly to do with lack of sleep and no more than a few minutes at a time to sit down and compile something mildly meaningful. Then, more recently, there was a severe lack of a computer with an Internet connection. Lately, though, my evenings have stretched out in front of me and I find myself opening a post, staring at it blankly for a few minutes, and then moving on to Hulu where I watch episode after episode of House Hunters :) It's certainly not for lack of material and in fact, it would seem logical for me to really try hard to stay on top of the blog now that we're so far away from all our friends and family. There is a lot of change happening in my life right now and lately I've been feeling sort of uncertain of myself. Or perhaps, certain of how I'm feeling and what is happening and certain that it is not how I thought I should or would feel. It's harder to write about those feelings than it is to do a cute kid post and I think it is what is holding me back.
I've learned some big lessons in the past few months, lessons that would not have sunk in without actually experiencing the move that we made. They are freeing, but frightening, and in some ways I feel unsure of which direction to head from here. We came to NC so that I could accept my dream job. I had been growing more and more stir crazy at home and was itching to return to a professional environment. Perks of that decision included a very nice home twice the size of our apartment and the freedom for Ben to pursue his dream of going to graduate school. It was an easy decision to make and we barely looked back. In the beginning it was quite exciting and fulfilling. There were new things to discover and people to meet. There were so many many things for me to learn which is just the type of challenge that has always made me terribly happy. Now that we are settling into the routine a bit more and the excitement has begun to wear off, the enormity of what we have chosen to do is beginning to sink in for me, and there is some regret and loneliness surfacing. Looking back I think I was always sort of aware that at some point this would happen, but it doesn't make being at that point any less hard. I am genuinely sad.
Mostly I am missing friends and family with a vengeance. My life is feeling empty and meaningless without people to share it with. I am very happy to have my little family assembled again, but I am learning how important the extended relationships were (are!) in my life. Along those lines, I am finding myself wishing quite often that we were back in our dumpy apartment. In our dumpy apartment where we could walk down the hall or across the lawn and knock on the door of a friend. Stained carpet and out of date appliances become quirky and fun when you have someone to laugh about them with. I have learned that a fancy house in a nice neighborhood is worthless to me. I have always believed that I would choose a smaller living space in a walkable city than a spacious place in the suburbs and this experience has completely cemented that notion. I want to know my neighbors, frequent the local businesses, and hang out on the square. I have never been more certain that things can't possibly make me happy the way that people do.
I'm also learning just how matronly my core interests are. I work in an environment of young, childless professionals and while I still feel like I landed the greatest job in the world I'm finding it difficult to relate. I love to listen to them chatter about the ways they choose to fill their days and spend their money and once in awhile I wish for the freedom that a childless life affords, but mostly I am feeling old-fashioned. On the weekends I find myself cooking up a storm, dreaming up craft projects that I have yet to find the time to pursue, and wondering where the best family friendly activities are brewing. I am sort of lame and that's ok.
I haven't found my niche here yet. Yet. But I will. Until then, I am dreaming of my old life and wishing for a few more days back there, amongst friends.
.JPG)
